Published on 2025-05-03 by Kemi Temuenoch
This is CATNews Rebooted. We're back once again to bring you the latest "news", much like Renegade Masters.
The recent English local elections have caused quite a stir in British politics. Some people are very happy and some people are very not happy.
Nigel Farage, the British patriot and freedom fighter was the big winner; his disconcerting and unnatural grin plastered across newspapers as his party won lots of councillors. Reform councillors and mayors will do lots of important things, like sacking diversity officers that do not exist, kicking horrid disabled people and their stupid SEND bullshit into the regularly collected bins, and avoiding hanging woke flags on town halls. These are the priorities of the British public.
Reform spent much of the run-up to the local elections calling out the Net Stupid Zero agenda from Labour and the Conservatives. New wind turbines are a blight on the countryside and are killing birds but maybe don't put that bit in the article because it makes us sound like Trump oh wait bollocks how do you turn this bloody speech thing off.
Andrea Jenkyns notably won the Lincolnshire mayoral election. She stands for what is right, like being casually racist towards your opponents and ignoring journalists. Andrea will also pursue a campaign, which she calls Lincolnshire DOGE. Lincolnshire DOGE will keep council tax low by eliminating woke wastage, and will slash unnecessary spending. The nature of this unnecessary spending is still to be established but it definitely does exist and there is lots of it. Everyone thinks Andrea is very smart and tough.
Andrea is railing against transgender culture indoctrinating our children; she does not care who people love, nor does she care if as a bloke you want to wear a dress, however she should not be expected to call you a woman. She does not want this pushed on young children by the masses of transgender woke activists. Activists are converting our children into being leftist communist liberal drones; that is simply unacceptable. Only conservatives should be allowed to indoctrinate children and convert them into things.
On the other side of the political spectrum, Ed Davey and his party are also chuffed because they won lots of new councillors and councils. They are doing very well but they are also woke and shit and communists (read: vaguely sensible but hard to make headlines of) so we are not covering them.
Keir Starmer is sad because he was doing such a good job. He is going after the real problems in society; trans and disabled people. Keir is the most popular Labour Prime Minister in 15 years and is delivering on his Plan for Change. He wants to be really hard and fast, presumably a reference to his Special Relationship with the US President. Please be nice to him, he is trying his best.
As the results began to roll in, Kemi Badenoch locked herself in her room and did not want to come down for breakfast in the morning.
This concludes issue #4 of CATNews Rebooted. Thank you for reading our impartial and insightful news coverage.
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